Kevin McCallister is a Sociopath

1:19:55 - Toaster to the head (Marv)

Marv attempts to crowbar his way into the cellar, only to find to his mild surprise that the door is unlocked. he steps inside and heads towards a cord attached to a lightbulb. pulling it dislodges an iron precariously balanced on a laundry chute several floors above, which smashes him on the head with a satisfying clunk.

the implications of this trap are only fully revealed by looking at the facts and figures involved (please note that the scientific analysis wont be particularly in-depth, as i’m a Politics student and my scientific literacy doesn’t extend to anything other than basic equations*).

anyway, the iron takes 6 seconds to plummet down the shaft and this figure, along with some formulae, can aid our analysis. as the rate of acceleration for a falling object is 9.8m/s per second, we can calculate that the iron was dropped from a height of about 176.5 metres (about 40 stories, so Chez McCallister must be significantly larger than it appears), hitting Marv at a speed of 58.8m/s (131.5mph).

this having been ascertained, once again i’m not sure there’s much point in providing a best and worst case scenario. i think it’s safe to say that what is basically a 3 kilogram lump of metal hitting a human head at 131.5mph is going to do dreadful things. if it doesn’t crack your skull open (which i’m sure it would, but i’m not a doctor), there’s all the horrible brain swelling and internal bleeding that’s associated with head injuries. so yeah, i’m counting this one as a death.

What Actually Happens - The iron leaves a comical red mark over Marv’s face and forehead which, to the credit of the film-makers, remains there for the rest of the film. Marv himself recovers quickly and goes to ascend the steps up into the main house…

okay so the rating!

all in all, i’m giving this a three and a half gasping Kevins. the trap is clearly going to kill any assailant if the iron strikes true, there’s no leeway there. despite this however, i still feel that this falls short of the horrific detachment of the icy-stairs trap.

whilst i wouldn’t condone the use of brutal force against anyone, it’s obvious that there’s a difference between putting the trap inside the house where only one of the Wet Bandits could fall foul of it and say, putting it outside the house where an inquisitive neighbour could set it off. this in mind, it’s maybe a gasping Kevin short of the icy-stairs.

‘so why’, you might ask, ‘the extra half?’. well whilst the trap can only affect those who’re in the house and thus can’t harm any truly innocent bystander, Kevin does construct the situation rather coldly to increase the likelihood of the trap being triggered. namely by leaving the door to the cellar unlocked.

rather than lock the door to see if that alone will deter any entrant and having the trap as a last resort, Kevin sets a lethal trap as the house’s first proper line of defence. not only does this invalidate any insurance claim for theft-related damage his parents may wish to make on their return, it’s also psychotic and earns an extra half of a gasping Kevin.

DEATH COUNT: 3

*i’m hoping to put a better scientific analysis of this trap (and future traps) up later on with the help of a distinguished physicist. i would have waited and just included it in the article but i haven’t posted for AGES and i didn’t want people to think i’d abandoned the project.

1:18:14 - Cracked Skull, Broken Neck, Blood Loss (Joe and Marv)

Joe Pesci and Marv go to the front door and basement respectively. however Kevin has poured water on the steps, which has frozen over in the ferocious Chicago winter. Joe Pesci attempts to climb the first step, slips and falls onto his back maybe 4 feet or so. Marv attempts to descend to the basement, slips, and tumbles down a flight of stairs maybe 10 feet.

(this entry is split into two sections and this section of the entry takes into account the first two falls in a sequence of three. the timestamp is that of Marv’s fall, as it’s easily the more horrific.)

anyhow. it’s clear to anyone that both of them could have died here had they fallen awkwardly. from that position Joe Pesci would be unlikely to break his neck or anything but with Marv it’s frankly a wonder he survived.

so here’s my summary

Best Case Scenario - bruised arses all round and an extra few bumps and scrapes for Marv. this is literally the BEST CASE scenario, there’s no way Marv’s walking out of this unscathed and Joe Pesci’s gonna get at least a bruisin’

Worst Case Scenario - Joe Pesci probably could have cracked his skull open on the concrete, and that’d be a death. it’s a relatively long shot though. with Marv on the other hand…i’ve seen people break bones slipping over on ice, i’ve seen people break bones falling down stairs. Marv does both, at some speed. we’re talking broken back, broken neck, fractured skull, broken limbs. in short, a man has died here tonight. sleep tight, Kevin.

What Actually Happens - Joe Pesci lies motionless for a while, seemingly winded. he thrashes around like an overturned turtle before again attempting to climb the stairs. Marv gets up remarkably quickly, briefly collapsing again (seemingly for comic effect) before recovering to break into the basement.

1:18:52 - Broken neck (Joe)

Joe Pesci ascends the stairs and reaches the summit after a deal of comical scrabbling. he makes a move toward the door and slips, bouncing on his head/neck off the middle step and landing back whence he came (on his arse)

i’m not even going to bother with a best/worst case scenario bit here. i’m 100% sure this is a fatality by broken neck. like, just watch it. it’s sickening.

What Actually Happens - he gets up admirably quickly, given that he’s now deceased, and attempts to ascend the stairs yet again.

okay so, my rating.

there are a couple of things here that set this ‘trap’ apart from the gunshot and earn it a solid FOUR.

firstly, as i’ve said, both of them could (or perhaps should) have died. Marv on his first fall, and Joe Pesci on his second. it’s manslaughter, if not murder.

secondly though, and this is the worrying thing as far as Kevin’s frame of mind is concerned, icing the steps isn’t a one-hit thing. it’s mid-winter in Chicago. them steps are staying iced for the foreseeable future and are gonna be iced whether it’s Joe Pesci, a policeman, the postman or some darling little carol singers who try to climb up them next.

Kevin couldn’t give a solitary shit, and it’s this wholesale lack of appreciation for human life that earns this trap an impressive FOUR gasping Kevins.

DEATH COUNT: 2

1:17:23 - Gunshot wound to the head (Marv)

Joe Pesci and Marv go to the back door and knock on it. Kevin proceeds to shoot Joe Pesci in the balls through the catflap (do the McCallisters even have a cat?). Marv then inexplicably puts his head through the flap and is promptly shot in the head by a grinning Kevin.

now, at this point i feel like i must point out that what Kevin is wielding is actually an air-rifle, not a real gun (a fact that will be reflected in the psycho-meter of gasping Kevins at the end of the piece).

however, earlier in the scene he is shown shooting Joe Pesci in the bollocks (from a range of maybe 50 centimetres) to the extent that he is left doubled over and screaming on the floor. this is a man who has committed multiple homicides, a man who does not feel like others feel. any weapon that leaves Joe Pesci on the ground is not one to be sniffed at. especially at the range from which Kevin shot Marv.

so here’s my summary

Best Case Scenario - certainly some kind of cut, possibly heavy bruising and a mild-skull fracture/concussion. he’s probably gonna need stitches, and certainly a doctor’s going to want to check him out.

Worst Case Scenario - to risk sounding clichéd: ‘he could have put someone’s eye out’. an inch to either side and Marv’s blind in one eye and a very lucky/unlucky shot could have pierced his brain via the eye-socket. even then however, he is unlikely to die.

What Actually Happens - Marv screams, withdraws his head from the catflap and falls backwards, cursing. Kevin celebrates. the Wet Bandits quickly regroup and plan an alternative means of attack. there’s no external sign of injury.

all this considered and all things said, being shot in the head with an air-rifle is bad, but if i set that as anything over a ONE on the scale, i’d have to extend the scale to accommodate some of the whack shit in Home Alone 2. so i’m giving this injury a paltry ONE gasping Kevin.

 to be honest the main reason i’ve even included this one is that Kevin very slowly and deliberately shoots a man in the balls with an air-rifle. whilst not a homicide, it’s most definitely a spermicide (smug pause to laugh at own joke). maybe that should push it up to a TWO, i don’t know.

i can’t quite believe that Marv’s gotten away from this little episode entirely unblemished. having said that however he’s been hit plum in the middle of the forehead, which is very fortuitous and negates the possibility of any truly life-threatening injuries.

the biggest thing to take away from this however is not the consequences of Kevin’s action, but his intent. he already seems to aim primarily to cause pain, and revels in it, irrespective of how effectively his methods stave off the Wet Bandits…

DEATH COUNT: 0