Kevin McCallister is a Sociopath

apologies, this has been inactive for ages. i’ll pick it up after exams and that. soz.

1:20:28 - Burnt hand (Joe Pesci)

Joe Pesci recovers from his fall and ascends the stairs once more, cussing. He looks through the window and goes to open the door, using the doorknob. Unfortunately Kevin has used some kind of common household implement which i can’t identify to heat the handle up until it glows red hot. Joe Pesci burns his hand.

this is one of the ones that’d nowhere near make the cut if this was just a fatality based blog, but makes the cut in part because it’s so fucking cruel and in part because of Kevin’s reaction. having said that however, the internet tells me that for metal to glow bright red so as to be visible at night-time it has to be about 400 degrees celcius and he holds onto it for a good 2 seconds so there is potential for quite a lot of damage to be done.

for comparison, the hottest water that comes out of your tap (if you’re in the UK, i’m not sure about the US) is about 60 degrees celcius. i reckon most people have probably burnt themselves on an iron and the highest they go is apparently about 150.

so here’s the injury write-up. not that i’m going to go into specifics or anything, as anyone who’s had/has witnessed a bad burn knows, burns are horrible and gross stuff happens. pus and that.

i’m reliably told (once again by the internet) that anyone touching anything over 166 degrees celcius is likely to receive a 3rd degree burn instantly. so the scenarios below assume that the burns are a given and more address treatment options.

Best Case Scenario - he’s still going to have burnt his hand badly, but if he gets that under cool water and seeks medical help he should be alright eventually, if in a lot of pain.

Worst Case Scenario - whilst i don’t think there’s a way he could directly die from the injury (apart from maybe shock?), if he doesn’t seek/can’t afford medical help (we’re talking 1990 here, there are over 50 million Americans with no health insurance, and millions more with coverage that doesn’t extend to injuries sustained during burglaries) the wound could get infected. If he gets sepsis and isn’t in a hospital he’s definitely dead. Also he plunges his hand straight into the snow after the burn, which can cause further damage to the cells and lead to paralysis. oh and also according to my friend who’s doing medicine, his skin would have melted and stuck to the handle.

What Actually Happens - Joe Pesci’s hand steams, he tries blowing on it before becoming overcome by the pain, crawling down the steps and shoving his hand in a snow drift. When he brings it about an ‘M’ is branded into the flesh of his hand.

the act itself is already pretty cruel, it’s another case of Kevin prioritising causing pain over actually defending himself/the house. however it’s not a properly dangerous in the sense that Joe Pesci could die instantly, unlike some of the other traps. i going to give it two and a half gasping Kevins.

i think this rating is justified a) because of the trap itself and b) because when Kevin sees that the trap has worked, he wheels away in celebration shouting ‘YES’, fist-pumping and sliding down on one knee with a kind of horrible intensity that kinda reminded me Marco Tardelli at the 1982 World Cup.

Like Kevin, Tardelli celebrates wildly, passion written large on his face. However, unlike Kevin, he’s celebrating having scored a goal at the World Cup. Kevin is celebrating having severely burnt a man’s hand, which I’d argue is insane.

DEATH COUNT: 3

clarification of focus

having thought about it, i’ve decided this blog is going to detail every trap Kevin sets, rather than just the ones that could kill someone. 

the reason for this is that the blog is meant to document the extent to which Kevin exhibits sociopathic behaviour. and whilst some of the traps he sets aren’t deadly enough to kill, they still showcase his sociopathic tendencies and thus require analysis.

so rather than the scale representing how deadly a trap is, it should actually be read to represent how psychotic the trap is (obviously there are many factors here, which change from case to case)

1:19:55 - Toaster to the head (Marv)

Marv attempts to crowbar his way into the cellar, only to find to his mild surprise that the door is unlocked. he steps inside and heads towards a cord attached to a lightbulb. pulling it dislodges an iron precariously balanced on a laundry chute several floors above, which smashes him on the head with a satisfying clunk.

the implications of this trap are only fully revealed by looking at the facts and figures involved (please note that the scientific analysis wont be particularly in-depth, as i’m a Politics student and my scientific literacy doesn’t extend to anything other than basic equations*).

anyway, the iron takes 6 seconds to plummet down the shaft and this figure, along with some formulae, can aid our analysis. as the rate of acceleration for a falling object is 9.8m/s per second, we can calculate that the iron was dropped from a height of about 176.5 metres (about 40 stories, so Chez McCallister must be significantly larger than it appears), hitting Marv at a speed of 58.8m/s (131.5mph).

this having been ascertained, once again i’m not sure there’s much point in providing a best and worst case scenario. i think it’s safe to say that what is basically a 3 kilogram lump of metal hitting a human head at 131.5mph is going to do dreadful things. if it doesn’t crack your skull open (which i’m sure it would, but i’m not a doctor), there’s all the horrible brain swelling and internal bleeding that’s associated with head injuries. so yeah, i’m counting this one as a death.

What Actually Happens - The iron leaves a comical red mark over Marv’s face and forehead which, to the credit of the film-makers, remains there for the rest of the film. Marv himself recovers quickly and goes to ascend the steps up into the main house…

okay so the rating!

all in all, i’m giving this a three and a half gasping Kevins. the trap is clearly going to kill any assailant if the iron strikes true, there’s no leeway there. despite this however, i still feel that this falls short of the horrific detachment of the icy-stairs trap.

whilst i wouldn’t condone the use of brutal force against anyone, it’s obvious that there’s a difference between putting the trap inside the house where only one of the Wet Bandits could fall foul of it and say, putting it outside the house where an inquisitive neighbour could set it off. this in mind, it’s maybe a gasping Kevin short of the icy-stairs.

‘so why’, you might ask, ‘the extra half?’. well whilst the trap can only affect those who’re in the house and thus can’t harm any truly innocent bystander, Kevin does construct the situation rather coldly to increase the likelihood of the trap being triggered. namely by leaving the door to the cellar unlocked.

rather than lock the door to see if that alone will deter any entrant and having the trap as a last resort, Kevin sets a lethal trap as the house’s first proper line of defence. not only does this invalidate any insurance claim for theft-related damage his parents may wish to make on their return, it’s also psychotic and earns an extra half of a gasping Kevin.

DEATH COUNT: 3

*i’m hoping to put a better scientific analysis of this trap (and future traps) up later on with the help of a distinguished physicist. i would have waited and just included it in the article but i haven’t posted for AGES and i didn’t want people to think i’d abandoned the project.

i have this theory that the reason we only see Macaulay Culkin every once in a while, and the reason he looks increasingly haggard each time we do see him, is that he keeps getting abducted and forced to make IEDs for insurgent groups who were under the impression that Home Alone really happened.

sorry it’s been a while since i posted anything. will probz do the next entry tonight. it’s a goodie! Marv gets whacked on the head by a plummeting toaster!

1:18:14 - Cracked Skull, Broken Neck, Blood Loss (Joe and Marv)

Joe Pesci and Marv go to the front door and basement respectively. however Kevin has poured water on the steps, which has frozen over in the ferocious Chicago winter. Joe Pesci attempts to climb the first step, slips and falls onto his back maybe 4 feet or so. Marv attempts to descend to the basement, slips, and tumbles down a flight of stairs maybe 10 feet.

(this entry is split into two sections and this section of the entry takes into account the first two falls in a sequence of three. the timestamp is that of Marv’s fall, as it’s easily the more horrific.)

anyhow. it’s clear to anyone that both of them could have died here had they fallen awkwardly. from that position Joe Pesci would be unlikely to break his neck or anything but with Marv it’s frankly a wonder he survived.

so here’s my summary

Best Case Scenario - bruised arses all round and an extra few bumps and scrapes for Marv. this is literally the BEST CASE scenario, there’s no way Marv’s walking out of this unscathed and Joe Pesci’s gonna get at least a bruisin’

Worst Case Scenario - Joe Pesci probably could have cracked his skull open on the concrete, and that’d be a death. it’s a relatively long shot though. with Marv on the other hand…i’ve seen people break bones slipping over on ice, i’ve seen people break bones falling down stairs. Marv does both, at some speed. we’re talking broken back, broken neck, fractured skull, broken limbs. in short, a man has died here tonight. sleep tight, Kevin.

What Actually Happens - Joe Pesci lies motionless for a while, seemingly winded. he thrashes around like an overturned turtle before again attempting to climb the stairs. Marv gets up remarkably quickly, briefly collapsing again (seemingly for comic effect) before recovering to break into the basement.

1:18:52 - Broken neck (Joe)

Joe Pesci ascends the stairs and reaches the summit after a deal of comical scrabbling. he makes a move toward the door and slips, bouncing on his head/neck off the middle step and landing back whence he came (on his arse)

i’m not even going to bother with a best/worst case scenario bit here. i’m 100% sure this is a fatality by broken neck. like, just watch it. it’s sickening.

What Actually Happens - he gets up admirably quickly, given that he’s now deceased, and attempts to ascend the stairs yet again.

okay so, my rating.

there are a couple of things here that set this ‘trap’ apart from the gunshot and earn it a solid FOUR.

firstly, as i’ve said, both of them could (or perhaps should) have died. Marv on his first fall, and Joe Pesci on his second. it’s manslaughter, if not murder.

secondly though, and this is the worrying thing as far as Kevin’s frame of mind is concerned, icing the steps isn’t a one-hit thing. it’s mid-winter in Chicago. them steps are staying iced for the foreseeable future and are gonna be iced whether it’s Joe Pesci, a policeman, the postman or some darling little carol singers who try to climb up them next.

Kevin couldn’t give a solitary shit, and it’s this wholesale lack of appreciation for human life that earns this trap an impressive FOUR gasping Kevins.

DEATH COUNT: 2

i’d quickly like to point out that, despite allegedly being the villains of the piece, Joe Pesci and Marv never attempt to shoot Kevin with a firearm (air or real) in Home Alone. 

also, even when they realise it’s just one kid in the house (which takes the poor guys about an hour of the film) they don’t just smash their way in. they politely knock on the door to ask if they can steal things. rather than saying ‘no’ and seeing if they’ll leave of their own accord, Kevin shoots them both.

also earlier on in the film a policeman actually goes to the house to check if Kevin is alright, but he hides. a guilty conscience, perhaps?

EDIT: i’ve put an ‘Ask’ feature on (at least i think i have, if it doesn’t show up then i think kevinmccallisterisasociopath.tumblr.com/ask would get you to it.) anyway, the function of this is to share any observations you might have on Kevin or Home Alone in general, always welcome.

apologies to those who read that at first (and thanks for reblogging it). i’ve since re-read it and fixed the grammar, which at times was dreadful. i’ll be more careful in future.

1:17:23 - Gunshot wound to the head (Marv)

Joe Pesci and Marv go to the back door and knock on it. Kevin proceeds to shoot Joe Pesci in the balls through the catflap (do the McCallisters even have a cat?). Marv then inexplicably puts his head through the flap and is promptly shot in the head by a grinning Kevin.

now, at this point i feel like i must point out that what Kevin is wielding is actually an air-rifle, not a real gun (a fact that will be reflected in the psycho-meter of gasping Kevins at the end of the piece).

however, earlier in the scene he is shown shooting Joe Pesci in the bollocks (from a range of maybe 50 centimetres) to the extent that he is left doubled over and screaming on the floor. this is a man who has committed multiple homicides, a man who does not feel like others feel. any weapon that leaves Joe Pesci on the ground is not one to be sniffed at. especially at the range from which Kevin shot Marv.

so here’s my summary

Best Case Scenario - certainly some kind of cut, possibly heavy bruising and a mild-skull fracture/concussion. he’s probably gonna need stitches, and certainly a doctor’s going to want to check him out.

Worst Case Scenario - to risk sounding clichéd: ‘he could have put someone’s eye out’. an inch to either side and Marv’s blind in one eye and a very lucky/unlucky shot could have pierced his brain via the eye-socket. even then however, he is unlikely to die.

What Actually Happens - Marv screams, withdraws his head from the catflap and falls backwards, cursing. Kevin celebrates. the Wet Bandits quickly regroup and plan an alternative means of attack. there’s no external sign of injury.

all this considered and all things said, being shot in the head with an air-rifle is bad, but if i set that as anything over a ONE on the scale, i’d have to extend the scale to accommodate some of the whack shit in Home Alone 2. so i’m giving this injury a paltry ONE gasping Kevin.

 to be honest the main reason i’ve even included this one is that Kevin very slowly and deliberately shoots a man in the balls with an air-rifle. whilst not a homicide, it’s most definitely a spermicide (smug pause to laugh at own joke). maybe that should push it up to a TWO, i don’t know.

i can’t quite believe that Marv’s gotten away from this little episode entirely unblemished. having said that however he’s been hit plum in the middle of the forehead, which is very fortuitous and negates the possibility of any truly life-threatening injuries.

the biggest thing to take away from this however is not the consequences of Kevin’s action, but his intent. he already seems to aim primarily to cause pain, and revels in it, irrespective of how effectively his methods stave off the Wet Bandits…

DEATH COUNT: 0